Here's your chance at my heart.

So it's been a really long time since I last wrote. Last week was fall break and it was so enjoyable. It's been hard to get back into the day by day routine again. For those of you that don't know, my favorite TV show is 7th heaven and for about 3 years I have been asking my mom for some seasons for Christmas, Birthday, basically any holiday that comes around; I had kind of forgotten about it. Well over fall break I had a minor breakdown about school and our car situation and all kinds of other stuff and what does my mom do...breaks out the first and second season of 7th heaven for me! Getting back into this show has warmed my heart so much. This show is so good, in every meaning of that word. It is so wholesome and real, but yet focuses on the important things. Out of the 15 shows I've probably watched so far, I would say I have cried (a good cry) on about 10. It is incredible to me how moving this show is. It has also had me thinking...how was this show on TV? Not that I am not thankful for this show, but looking at the shows that are on TV today makes me wonder how was something that is so good and pure ever on TV...now that we have half naked people on TV and its a regular occurrence to hear cursing or mention of drugs or alcohol. It is sad to see what our society values and how it compares to what God wants from us. I guess its all the more for Christians to really live out what they believe and shine for Christ. 


As I've said before, all my heart really desires is a committed relationship with God, but that keeps taking the back road. Today I had a nice little reminder that he's there, and he loves me-so much! It may seem silly to others but it really was a reminder that I desperately needed. Today I had an Econ test and a group project to work on. I was supposed to work at school this evening too. And in the middle of all that I was supposed to finish a 7-14 page paper, single spaced. My weekend and morning had been so overwhelmed with stress and craziness. After I finished studying for my test, I find out that work was cancelled tonight, so that gives me about 4 extra hours to finish this paper. :) So I just want to praise and thank God, for looking into my heart and seeing what I really needed today. He is so good. My hope he continues to reveal himself to me. 


"So i'm droppin that guard here's your chance at my heart
Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, its more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe."
-Britt Nicole, Safe

Thank You.

Starting this blog was an honest off the wall and dare devil thing for me. I do not know what influenced me to want to do this, but all week I found myself craving the time to write again. My week was suppose to be relatively easy with only one, not even big, test this week, No work at Chick-fil-a, and just some time to spend with my friends here at school. Yet by last night the stress and overwhelm flooded in. While sitting down and talking with my one of my roommates we both just started to loose it. I kid you not, by the end of the night, we had yelled and cried and just let everything that was on our plates this week out. We decided that after a nice trip to Chick-Fil-a, to redeem free sandwiches we would pick our lives back up. We both talked about how we feel numb to everything in our life. School work, spiritual life, personal life, just everything is going day by day with no real control. It was very encouraging and hopeful to hear that my best friend was feeling the exact same way as me. It was an honest and open conversation and it meant a lot to know that we can talk about anything. I love this girl to death, no lie! :) While neither of us know what is going to happen within the next day, week or month. It is always comforting to know that someone out there is feeling the same way as you.

Psalm 33:11
But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations.


So have you ever had a day where you are extremely thankful for everything? I mean everything. This week has been a wild week for me and I am so thankful for some time to sit and process everything that happened. I am thankful for my dreaded Race and Gender test to be over. I am thankful for my living situation, for the opportunity to live with close friends, and get to know new ones as well. I am thankful for the sunshine and perfect temperatures that followed the dark and cold days. I am thankful to sit in my suite all alone and just think right now. As I was walking from class, as cliche as it sounds, I felt the warm sun on my back and found myself thankful. I heard birds chirping in the trees next to the art center and sand volleyball courts and felt thankful. I was even thankful for my teacher Elroy today, and the person he is. Today has just been an overall thankful day. So today I am thankful. 

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone

And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life
-Never Alone, Barlow Girl

Something new.

So I have never been big on blogging or anything of this sort. In high school I kept a prayer journal and my sophomore and junior I wrote in that journal each and every day. I would carry this beat up notebook back and forth to school with me everyday. The more I think about this I look back and see that that definitely helped me always be aware of God in my life. I'm starting this blog because I have been in a rut lately. Not that I am depressed or even that I feel sad. I just feel as if something is missing; I know what that thing is too. The hard thing is figuring out how to get it back. Through high school I was one of the biggest Christians at school. That would have been my "label", if you will. While I don't doubt that coming to college and finding some really solid friends has been a terrific point in my life, I also see it as my downfall. Going to a Christian college is very safe. In high school I loved the fact that every time I would wear a church shirt, it was a risk. It was a risk in the sense that people would notice it and in some cases even ask about my shirt. Here at EMU, you see church shirts all the time. We pray in classes occasionally and religion is seen around every corner, which makes it harder for me to share my faith. I found it more fulfilling to be a light to those who did not have Christ in their life. I am by no means an evangelist and constantly proclaiming my faith. But because in my high school days it was rare to be a Christian and really live a life for Christ people would notice when you did live a life for Him. I don't really know where I am going with this except that I want to be challenged. I want to be a light to people again, yet I feel stuck. 
This summer I started working at Chick-fil-A, and I love, love, love that I am surrounded, for the most part, by people who want to do the same thing, live a life for Christ. That has sparked my flame even more. I want to be a light, and I want to do it now. I want to make a difference and live my life for the God who created me. The God who loves me and wants me to love Him just as much. I want to give my entire life to God and hold nothing back. Yet, somewhere in all these wants I just can't do it. My hope is that by putting words down on a page, and making myself vulnerable to other people and letting people see into my thoughts, I will come to some realization about what He wants for my life. Ultimately, it is all up to God, and it will all work out in His plan...in His time. 
I heard this song as soon as I started typing on here and it brought tears (good tears) to my eyes so I want to share.

When I made up my mind
And my heart along with that
To live not for myself
But yet for God, somebody said
Do you know what you are getting yourself into

When I finally ironed out
All of my priorities
And asked God to remove the doubt
That makes me so unsure of these
Things I ask myself, I ask myself
Do you know what you are getting yourself into


The title of my blog is going to be "How I roll" because if you know me, I like to think I am a little gangster sometimes ;) But also because I am absolutely in love with Britt Nicole's songs. Every single one of her songs has something to say to me, and I am truly amazed at the way her music has influenced me. So that's that. This blog is going to be about How I roll. 


I know that everyone's running
Just trying to get away.
Life can feel like a rat race
like every day, so mundane.

But I'm saying hey, hey, oh, oh
I'm not getting caught in the undertow
I'll be taking it easy and taking it slow
I'm never gonna follow
No!

Turn it up, make it loud on your radio
we're gonna dance everywhere we go
everybody knows that's how we roll.
-How We Roll, Britt Nicole